a little time for reflection

I’m going to take a little different approach to this blog today. Usually I just write and re-cap details about what’s been going on in my life here, but this one will be a little more reflective and heart felt. On July 25^th 2010, I had my one year anniversary of my arrival in Koynare. The internet is down at the Chitalishte where I am right now and I am writing this in MS Word, and I can’t check to see if I wrote one of these for my 1-year-in-Bulgaria anniversary back in May. I think I touched on it a little bit, but here I want to reflect more on my time in Koynare. Honestly, I think my opinion has changed and matured a bit since then. Actually, I know it has. My experiences with the trainees that were in Koynare and the mid service conference that we had a few weeks ago really put everything in perspective for me.

It is very difficult for me to actually write down and capture the emotions, situations, experiences and importance of all the stuff that goes on here but I’ll try anyways. I am fighting three very big challenges that will hinder this entry.

- One – I was out last night at a friend’s house for dinner until about 1am and was awoken this morning to mosquitoes biting me around 5am. The rest of the morning was spent hunting the bloodsuckers. I’m tired.

- Two – My Bulgarian language abilities are getting stronger and I am struggling to find English words, usually the big ones. Like Homer Simpson once said, “Every time I learn something new, I forget something old. Like the time I took that home wine making course and forgot how to drive.”

- Three – Pepi is here alone with me and as always our conversation is without end and the interruptions are frequent.

Well let’s get on with this.

Someone last night asked me where I consider home since I was explaining to her how many times I have moved. I hesitated to answer. In the past, when I was asked that question, I would answer with the fact that I went to middle school and high school in Connecticut. That was the longest I’d ever been in a place and where I had some of my happiest memories. But I graduated high school about 8 years ago. A lot of time has passed since then and the “home” feeling I have from there is now distant. I never really felt at home in Chicago either. That was just the place where my parents lived when I got out of college and the natural place for me to migrate to. I made friends there through work and enjoyed my time with my family, but I never really lived on my own and had a place to call “my home”. Don’t get me wrong, it was super nice living with my folks but it just wasn’t “my home”. It always felt temporary.

So my answer to last night’s question of where I consider home was “Here, in Koynare.” Home is where the heart is, right?  If there is one thing that I have put in this town, it is my heart.

I came here a year ago as an eager, naïve, ambitious, and unprepared foreigner. I was all alone and felt that way. The people were nice to me and welcoming, but how close can you get with someone when you hardly speak their language and their warmth seems like it is conjured out of sheer curiosity about the American? I was treated like a guest and felt like one too. I moved into an apartment with two rooms and a kitchen. I lived in the kitchen and slept in the bedroom. I didn’t go into the living room for the first month because I didn’t feel like it was my apartment.

Oh, how much has changed…

I don’t know why or what caused it, but I have totally made a life for me here over the last year and I don’t know if I could have done it better. The warm greetings I get from everyone here is no longer a cover but genuine. I am invited to sit at tables, to enter conversations and to give my opinions about anything from the price of bread to global corruption issues. I am spending evenings as a guest at different people’s houses regularly. Last week, Cveti and I even treated a family to a Mexican dish we prepared, at their place of course! My opinion is now considered and my presence is welcomed.

I am no longer a guest in this town but a member of the community. I was getting a hair cut a few weeks ago and a man entered the barbershop while I was in the chair. He is a man that I have met maybe a few times but seen around a lot. He saw me in the chair and said to the hairdresser, “Take care of Rory and give him a great haircut! He is a Koynarian and our boy. We all have to take care of him and make sure everything is good for him.” I looked at him in the mirror and shot him a smile. He then turned to me and asked me how long I’d been here in town and how much longer I will be here. I told him that I have been here for a year with a year left. He smiled and said, “Well hopefully you decide to stay in Koynare after you finish your year with the Peace Corps.” I have heard this type of thing many times from people I have come across, but the way he said it and the way he acted sounded like he genuinely meant it.

Not only do I feel more accepted here by the people of the community but over the year I have accepted the community. That is more important and harder than it appears. As an American entering a developing country with different values, culture and habits than what I have known, in order to work together with locals and live within the community, the adjustment is astronomical. Especially when I look back on all the stuff that I have accepted and adjusted to, it’s amazing that only one year has passed! Not until you can accept and understand why things are the way they are and why people do what the do, can you be comfortable.

An example – when I first got here, one of the biggest things that I missed was food. Ranch dressing, a cheeseburger, Mexican food, vegetables year round etc… Not only did I miss the food, but the process of purchasing food too. Walking through isles with a cart and endless options available was my dream. I craved this stuff and I rejected the things around me involving food. I thought that the food and the way they bought food was so weird and incorrect and that they should really have stores and food like America. Because America is better, right? Well my eyes were just closed to the beauty of food here. I go to the store now to buy food everyday. I buy just enough for a day or two and hardly spend more than 10 leva. I can’t explain why I like the process now and what is available to eat, but I simply do. Maybe it’s the conversations I have with the person working there or just that I have gotten used to it now. I no longer have a single craving for American food, but I find myself craving a shopska salata with home grown tomatoes, cucumber, onions, peppers and home made cheese. The food is so fresh and good to me now that I fear going back to the states and trying to eat vegetables, meat and cheeses. All the food here comes from no more than 30 miles away. Sometimes it even comes from a friend’s garden or personal livestock. An omelet made with fresh eggs from a colleague’s chickens cooked with homemade cheese from sheep’s milk that was given to you on your walk home from work by the guy that made it, mixed with vegetables grown in the spot of land behind the apartment building, spiced with dill from your neighbor’s garden after she overheard that the person at the store said they didn’t have any to sell you so she ran home to pick the dill and give it to you, and eaten with warm bread baked less than 50 yards from your front door is a dish that only a lucky few in the states can understand. Yet that is a meal that is more the norm than the exception. How can I not fall in love with this place?

Well all that is fine and dandy right? The other thing is that I have made my life here, MY life. I made work my own and understood the expectations of me from my host organization and community. My work has taken off and I have many projects that I hope will be successful. I have support and just so you all know, we finished the park project recently… J I finally accepted my apartment as being mine. I have now added things to it, taken things out, and consider it my place. It could be more comfortable, but whatever. I have great memories there and host guests for weekends.

The most important guest that I host is my wonderful girlfriend Cveti. I know I am mentioning her late in this long rant of reflections and experiences, but she is by far the most important thing that has happened to me. Without her, my life would not feel anywhere near as complete as it does now. She has been with me since November and has been by my side for most of this year. She has lent a listening ear, a comforting touch, and solid advice. She has given me companionship and endless laughter, smiles, and support. She has opened my eyes to accept more and to see more. She has opened her heart and let me in, and I the same. She has been with me through all the hard times, frustrations, challenges, and rainy days. She has shown me how strong someone can be during times that appear lost. She has shown me hope in more things than anyone will ever know. Without her I would not be nearly as successful as I am today. Frustrations may have gotten the best of me or my outlook may be more negative during misunderstandings with others. Basically – she is guilty for my happiness, successes and feeling of completeness. Way to go Cveti… I came here for the hardest job I’d ever love, but you’ve made it easy. J

So that’s been my year. Sorry for the length of it all but it’s been a year. I’ve made life long friends here and as I said in one of my first entries before I came to Bulgaria, I am not the same person I was when I left. On the surface I haven’t changed much, but my soul is richer, warmer, happier, fuller, bigger, more open and more loving.

So now I want to say: Bring on the next year! I can only hope that it is as fulfilling as the last one has been! 

1 year left... almost.

Guess what everybody?! I'm still here! 

In 2 weeks, I will have completed exactly 1 year of my real service here. That is to say that the first 3 months of training do not count for the 2 years of service. Since I will have completed 1 year, that means that I only have 1 year left. Unless I decide to stick around a bit longer in the ol' BG. Actually, that might be a possibility. I found out recently of a new position that Peace Corps BG is starting. It's basically a position where a 3rd year volunteer will commit 50% of their time assisting other volunteers and 50% of their time at their volunteer organization. The person needs to basically be fluent in Bulgarian in order to even qualify since the position requires mentoring between volunteers and their respective organizations. This sounds right up my alley and I really think I'd love the job. But that's a year away and a lot can happen between then and now... I mean, just look at the last year that I've been through. I'm only Rory v.1.5 right now, so the transformation still requires some time...

Last week, my group had our 1-year conference. This conference was in Vratsa and all the b-25s got together for 2 days of meetings. It was so much fun! We all have grown so much since the last time we saw each other. During the days, we discussed our successes and struggles over the last year. We also planned for the next year. Each of us had such different experiences! We just sat and talked and had a great time with each other. It was seriously fun. Then on Friday, I gave a 50 minute presentation to the new group regarding what it is like to be a community worker and how they should prepare for it. It went really well and I got some great feedback from the PC staff. I went to Moravitsa Friday night with Cveti and Scott and hung out there with the old crew and the new volunteers that are there. On Saturday, Rosen and some of the other guys from Moravitsa came to Koynare to camp and go fishing. Cveti and I hung out with them and fished a little. So last week, starting on Tuesday night, I may have gotten a total of 15 hours of sleep. On Saturday night, when I got home from the river, I went to bed at like 1AM... and slept until noon. Then I fell asleep again on Sunday at like 2:30 and slept till 6... then I went to bed at 11 that night and slept straight to 7am... I don't think I've ever slept that much in my life. I was awake for only like 8 hours on Sunday. I needed it.

This week, I am going to the Black Sea with the dance team here in Koynare. It should be a ton of fun! The dance choreographer told me that he is going to tell the competition judges that I am the choreographer for the dance... I am really curious what will happen when they find out that an American choreographed the Bulgarian Folklore dance... I'm sure they will start asking all sorts of questions that I won't know how to answer. Should make for a good time. Hopefully someone is there to record it.

The 4th of July was celebrated at the Mayor's house. We had the 5 American trainees here as well as Dan and Cveti. I made a big batch of chili for it. Dan brought tortilla chips, cheddar cheese, ground beef, and other stuff. We made salsa too. The other guys brought a thing of chili, made a cake, brought hot dogs and buns and all that good stuff. So we basically had chili, cheeseburgers, chili dogs and cake for the holiday while at the Mayor's house. It was pretty spectacular. 

I don't know if I really have all that much else to say. I think my park project (from last April) will finally get finished this month. 

The weather is hot and I am sweaty again. My water and electricity has been on and off all month. The water pressure is currently too low to get hot water out of the boiler. I have become the master at how to take sponge baths. If anyone wants advice on it, let me know - I have the process down to a science. I can fully clean myself with 3.5 liters of water. I think that's like 1 gallon... or 10 seconds in a shower... or 1 flush of the toilet... or if it was gas, 10 miles in Rubi... 

Take care all.

Rory